Tuesday, July 01, 2014

Why We Aren’t The Parents We Know We Could Be

Most parents I know suffer from occasional — or constant — eruptions of parental self-judgment: moments when they feel they fall short of being the parents they could be. There’s a gap between what they know about effective parenting (in the abstract) and what actually happens in everyday practice — in the car, in the supermarket, in the living room...Of course, there are all sorts of reasons why “knowing better” doesn’t always translate into “doing better”: we’re busy and exhausted, we’re lazy and set in our ways. Plus, it isn’t always obvious when and how the abstract applies to the concrete. But it turns out that one of the most important lessons from psychology about how to change children’s behavior is also the key to why knowledge of better parenting is rarely enough to make us better parents. The lesson is this: to encourage a behavior, you need to generate the best conditions for it to arise and then reinforce the heck out of it. Merely knowing what you should do is often insufficient to reliably bring the behavior about and merely knowing doesn’t offer much in the way of reinforcement. more

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